... then try

  
We're not wanting to sound patronising or simplistic by saying this.

But we often find separating couples are not very far apart in their expectations, but simply haven't had the courage to try to talk about it. So they don't know until they ask.

So try. 

The conversation may be uncomfortable - actually for sure it will be uncomfortable. But you're an adult and this is your life and future - you've got to sort it out.

​So toughen up, take a deep breath and try. 

  

Simple Tips for Negotiating

  
Here are some basic tips to keep in mind if you're trying to discuss a financial settlement.

Many of them may appear obvious, but it's not at all easy to apply them when there is so much emotion surrounding your discussion.

There is no magical perfect way to negotiate that's guaranteed to work. The more you can keep these ideas in mind, however, the better the chance of reaching an agreement.

  • Forget altogether the idea of trying to negotiate a deal that punishes your ex for all the things they did wrong in your relationship. For starters, we have a "no fault" divorce regime in Australia. And in practice, it ain't gonna get you anywhere. If you enter negotiations aggressively, full of blame and accusations, you have almost zero chance of getting a result. Your sole goal has to be achieving a normal result so you can get on with your life. 
 
  • Explain to your ex that you're not looking to "screw" them into an unreasonable result; you just want a "normal" result for your situation. 
 
  • It's extremely unlikely you can both get what you want. That means you need to find a reasonable balance between what you each would ideally like to get. Compromise is essential. There's no-one else to force a result on the two of you.
 
  • Ask your (former) partner if he/she has a view about what they think the arrangement should be. And then reciprocate by saying what you think it should be. Don't waste time playing games - just get it out there. Many couples are not as far apart in their expectations as they may fear. Once you know each other's views, you can at least scope the difference. 
 
  • Many people get fixated on percentages and indeed, our video series uses percentages to show what's normal. But ultimately what is usually the key is actual assets and real dollars. Before you get too agitated about percentages, check what your "deal gap" means in actual money.
 
  • For example, if you feel you "should" end up with 60% of your combined wealth and your ex think you should get 55%, then you only have a 5% gap in expectations. Suppose your combined wealth is $500,000. Then your gap is $25,000. That's real money but it's not a gigantic problem.

    If you're in your mid-40s, for example, then splitting that difference in half would mean a compromise of about $1.70 a day across your working life. It's all a matter of perspective. You can probably each compromise when you realise that's all that stands in the way of getting a settlement done and moving on with your lives. 
 
  • Remember that you don't have to split all assets and liabilities in the same way. For example, keeping the house may be very important to you. But you may be less concerned about super - particularly if you're relatively young or relatively well-paid.

    So you might be willing to give up more super in order to keep a larger portion of the wealth that's represented by the net equity in your house. So you can try a phrase like this "would you be willing to take more super and in return agree to a lower cash payout from me to you, so I can retain the house?"
 
  • So if your ex's view is not light years removed from your view, a deal may be closer at hand than you might have thought.
 
  • You, at least, should be well informed by this video series. If you're attempting to achieve a result well out of "the norm" compared to what you've learned here, then you'd best have some very specific reasons why your case is so exceptional.

    Remember, if you think your deal should be outside that range between "about equal, 50:50" and "65:35",  then you're effectively saying that you're a 1 in 50 case. Are you really sure that your situation is so unusual that you're in such a tiny group? (Maybe, but probably not.)
 
  • Don't get lost in historical matters - who paid or contributed what. If you've been together more than 3 or 4 years, and especially if you have children together, then trying to agree on past contributions is mostly a waste of time and effort and emotion. For every issue you can name from the past, your ex can probably counter with another. Tit-for-tat assertions (or accusations) almost never helps you reach a deal. It's rarely of much use in working out a deal.
 
  • You're far better to keep it simple - you have a certain amount of wealth and you should share it in a manner that doesn't see one of you financially crippled. 
 
  • Don't get lost in trivial details. Especially when it comes to household contents. We've seen couples makes long lists of every item in the house and put a precise value on each one, and then argue about who should get what share of the total value.  That's a waste of time. Just divvy it up in roughly equal portions.

    If you can't agree, use our favourite method. Do make a list that includes as many items as you each care about (but don't put dollar figures on anything). Copy and share the list and review it overnight. Then sit down and flip a coin to decide who chooses the first item. Then take turns. It works a treat.
 
  • Do focus on the major items - the house, super, cars, debt. Your aim is for the overall sharing of your net wealth to produce a result in the "normal" range for your fact pattern. Be practical about key issues like mortgage serviceability - can you really afford to take on the mortgage on your own - and maybe even more if you have to borrow more to fund a cash payout? 
 
  • Getting agreement on the value of all the major items is important. Most of them are easy - check your super statements, mortgage statements, credit card statements. If you don't agree on property values, you can get a valuation done in about 2 to 5 days - sometimes for free, otherwise for $300-$500. Before you ask someone to do a property valuation, you should agree with your ex that you will both abide by that value for the purpose of the negotiation. With properties, don't get tangled up with guesses about what it might one day be worth - that's too subjective. Just stick with the facts as they are today.
 
  • Think also about timing. You don't have to make all the payments or property transfers right away. You can space things out over a year or two if you wish. Just not too long - try to develop a plan where you are financial "untangled" within 2-3 years. That can really help if you want to provide some continuity for the kids until they reach a next stage of their schooling, for example. 
 
  • If your ex's view about who should have what is a long way out of the range that you've learned is "about right",  don't get mad at them - it doesn't help. It's totally normal for you to have different views about what's fair. Don't insult them by telling them views are ridiculous. It's enough to say that at present you don't agree.  Agree to step back for a few days then try again.
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  • Realise that of course each of you thinks your own view is fair. But there's no-one to force your view of fair over your ex. Or vice versa. So if you want to get a deal done (so you can move on with your lives), then by definition you have to compromise. Forget about vague ideas like "I'm entitled to this" or "I should get that". What matters is the deal that can get done, not the deal you'd like to get done.
 
  • Offer your ex the chance to watch this video series. We don't charge twice for the same couple, so there's no additional fee to pay. You have our blessing to send him/her the email with the link to the video series.  If they do watch this series, ask them what their view is now.

We find these are some of the key tips that help couples reach deals quickly and with the least amount of stress.

There are many many more tips and techniques that you can bring into a negotiation. There are books about the subject, and if you want, go and read up.

But you probably don't have the time and energy to become an expert. All you can do is attempt to negotiate in good faith.

We'd say make an attempt over a week or even a month to negotiate, keeping in mind the tips above. About half of separating couples are able to reach a deal - hopefully you're one of them.

Good Luck!
 
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If you've tried negotiating, what happened?

Well, you either got a satisfactory result or you didn't.
  

... Yes, we worked out a deal

If you have reached agreement, great. Now it's important for you to formalise it - quickly. There's a clear process for doing that and we explain it here:
  

... No, I didn't get a satisfactory result

...if you've tried negotiating with your ex and you can't agree, that's normal. 

If a deal doesn't come quickly, don't "flog it". But also don't despair or get yourself more upset or angry. And don't sit in limbo for weeks or months or years.

​​If you just can't reach agreement in direct discussion, get some professional help. About half of all separating couples do.

Let's take another look at your options...​
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